Still Grrr

“I’m home!” Dawn slams the door behind her extra-loud like because she totally wants to make sure they hear it through all the sex and stuff.

The house sits quiet, almost too quiet, like everything just … stopped.

She tries to shrug it off. Maybe banging the door was too much.

~

When Tara emerged from behind Willow that morning, it felt so, so unreal in the very best of ways, like when Dawn thought her mom ignored her asking for the Harriet the Spy Spy Set for her tenth birthday, and Buffy told her she was getting a crappy Raggedy Anne doll instead, and she opened the box, and it wasn’t only the Spy Set she wanted, it was the ‘Super Deluxe’ version with the real glass and metal magnifying glass.

~

She’s not really hungry, but since no one’s yelled back or bumped against the floor, she figures they must need a little more time.

Since she pretty much ran all the way back from Janice’s, the wash of cold air from the frig should feel good, but it shivers through her, and her mind whispers, ‘Ghost.’ Dawn closes the door to rub her hands along her arms, laughing a little at herself.

Trying to get better at the whole research thing, she must be reading too many of Giles’s old books.

~

The night Tara stayed to keep Dawn company, Dawn took control of the remote, flipping channels like crazy to find something that would keep Tara there even if the others came home.

She didn’t have much luck at first, and Tara fidgeted uncomfortably beside her, but Nick at Nite, er, saved the day.

“Next up,” the announcer blared in full-on used car salesman voice, “Harriet the Spy!”

A promo clip flashed on screen showing a young girl with long, brown hair, and Tara gave a little, breathless laugh. “She looks just like you.”

“Hey!”

“I mean, like you must have when you were little.” Tara made a mock-serious face, mouth all puckered with trying to hold back the laughter even as her eyes crinkled. “Because of course you’re all grown up now.”

“Of course.” Dawn huffed and settled back into the couch, pushing her lower lip out into a fake pout, but before the opening credits had finished, she found herself leaning into Tara’s side, her head on her shoulder.

~

“Hey, I’m coming upstairs!”

No muffled laughter, no footsteps hurrying from the bathroom – nothing but the sound of her own feet thumping hollowly as they climb the stairs ever more slowly.

Bedroom doors stand open all around her, and for a brief moment, Dawn wishes they were closed because then it would feel more … well, possible that something fun, something secret could be behind them.

~

Willow and Xander and Riley all hovered over Buffy where she’d thrown the lid back from the weapon’s chest she kept in her bedroom.

“See, there’s a lot more here than I’m able to keep at the dorm.”

“Yeah and …”

Xander’s voice faded as Dawn drifted back to her room. She longed to help, brain whirling with scenarios where she’s the one who saved the day by making the important discovery. But they didn’t even notice her enough to say, ‘Go away, Dawn,’ so why bother hanging around? It wasn’t like they were going to let her do stuff.

Digging in her closet, she’d just set her Spy Set out onto the floor and reached for the journal she kept hidden behind it when a soft voice said, “That’s really cool looking. What is it?”

Willow’s new friend, Tara, stood in the doorway, hands hidden in what must be a clasp behind her back.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with them?” She’d like to think she sounded cool, but it probably came out sullen teen. Buffy told her that’s one thing she’s good at it.

“Swords aren’t really my thing.” Tara smiled and pointed a toe toward the box. “Besides, that looks more interesting.”

Dawn blushed, the Spy Set something for little kids, which she was so not by now. But there wasn’t anything mean mixed into Tara’s smile, so Dawn opened the box and began taking things out. “Have you ever seen Harriet the Spy or read the book?”

Settling onto the carpet beside her, Tara shook her head no.

“Okay, well, there’s this girl, Harriett, and she thinks she’s this master spy who can find anything.” She held the magnifying glass up in front of her eye really closely, knowing it would make her eye look huge and kinda gross in a funny way ‘cause she’d practiced it lots in the mirror.

It worked, Tara’s sudden laughter loud and surprising.

Dawn grinned and kept going.

~

She finds her in Willow’s room, which she’s been thinking of all day as Willow and Tara’s room, singing it in her head like, already imagining Tara living there again.

As she falls to the floor, knees giving out to hit with a painful thud, Dawn screams and tugs at Tara, but the sounds and the sensations are muted by the even louder nonononononononoNO! of her brain.

She stays, crying hoarsely, then rocking, then sitting still as it grows dark.



She finds her.